Random thought:
WHY WAS I NOT AWARE DONKEY BASKETBALL EXISTED BEFORE TODAY??!
-
What do you remember from grade six? Was it the teachers? Friends? Any extracurricular after school activities? How we were the era to pretty much watch birth be given to the internet? Saturday morning cartoons? How about how we were always asked to use that one specific brand of pencil come test time, although I'm willing to bet none of us actually knew the difference between a #2 HB pencil and a HB #2 ½?
What about how the playground seemed to hold all the answers?
You know, I never understood how that came to be myself. It was so amazingly accurate considering it was over run by 8 year olds that thought girls were gross, yet eating handfuls of sand to avoid kissing one was perfectly humane. I swear I knew about Tupac's shooting when I was 3 years old. My dad took me to the park after school, and I overheard two kids talking about it once. True story.
Perhaps if you worked around then, this FANTASTIC Wendy's restaurant training video? (At least, 1:57 - 3:53 is absolutely fantastic.)
I know, but don't knock it. It's effective stuff. I've never worked at a Wendy's restaurant but I'm pretty confident after watching that video I could grill up a mean-ass burger.
Maybe you've forgotten a lot from then, but one thing EVERYONE remembers:
Oh, sweet nostalgic memories are just flooding back here.
This was the game when you finished a test early (before of course realizing you had used the wrong grade of HB and should have gone with the #2 ½ so they failed you on the spot and were forced to repeat the fifth grade, for the sixth time) you'd head back in the back or computer lab to play. During rained out recess'? Oh you better believe it, you'd play it. I don't think there was any competition for girls or boys. Every opportunity and spare time anyone had in sixth grade they would be playing it.
I thought I'd make a run through this afternoon.
Danny, Kayla, Sarah, Johnny, saddle up and let's go!
Wait. Why is that kid holding a gun? Wait. Why is the baby steering?
WAIT. WHAT THE HELLS WRONG WITH THAT OTHER KID'S FACE?!
I THINK IT'S RELATED TO THE FIRST KID HOLDING THAT GUN.
Ah, who cares.
I don't know if anyone remembers, but the first thing you're asked to do is stock up on clothes, ammunition, food, spare wagon parts and oxen. You can be a banker, farmer or carpenter. I decided to be a banker. I like money, and let's look at the statistics here people - out of everyone you've ever watched playing this have you ever seen someone make it to the end successfully as a farmer? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Anyway, off to Matt's General Store!
Hmm. 2 sets of clothing for each person huh?
Sorry Kayla and Sarah. In life, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.
200 lbs of food for each person? Hmm.
Sorry Kayla and Sarah. In life, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.
The first stop is Kansas River, and then the Big Blue river. I don't know why you're asked to cross so many damn rivers in this game. You'd think there would be an easier way to finish it than taking detours though all these rivers without any kind of flotation devices or buoyancy structures. No wonder why the mortality rate was through the roof.
2 sets of clothing? damn.
I guess I'll do the noble thing and give up my clothes to the other men who are cold (and hope secretly scandalous threesomes ensue between the girls and I). I mean, I don't have anything to hide. Johnny - as mentally scarred as you may be right now thank the fuck out of me later. I'm sure all everyone would do is point and laugh at you.
On to Big Blue!
3 sets of clothing? FOR CHRIST SAKE. GIVE ME MY CLOTHES BACK JOHNNY.
And are oxen allergic to water or something?
I can honestly say ALL 1400 of those bullets look mighty tempting right now.
At least I'm warm.
I suppose I should hunt for the others though, considering I just lost over 80% of the food I bought in the river. Actually, I lost 95% of my clothes, 60% of my Oxen and 80% of my food. Whatever happened to those petty thieves in this game who stole a wagon wheel from you during the middle of the night? Or those raging wagon fires would would claim a whole 9 bullets in destruction? Oh, no, not with Dave. Way to target all my vital spots God. OH WELL. Hunting time it is I suppose.
Wait. So, how's that work? I shot a rabbit, a deer and a buffalo. Deers on average weigh 80 lbs or so, and rabbits, perhaps 5, and Buffalo I'm assuming fills out the other 815.
I can only carry back 100. So, if we do the basic mental math and assume I took the deer carcass back with me to make up a large portion of the previously mentioned 100 lbs of meat - it means one of these animals became seriously disfigured here to make up the other 20 lbs as the rabbit sure as hell doesn't weigh that much. Did I like rip the buffalo's testicles off or something? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EATING TONIGHT?
Bahaha.
Even sweeter. Though the description leaves too much to the imagination - such as how it was obtained, and just where did we find it? What kind of wild fruit was it? Was it wild in that delicious mango exotic sense, or wild in the oozing poison sense?
Maybe oozing poison sense seeing that now..
Still. Sweet.
typhoid fever n.
an infectious bacterial fever with an eruption of red spots on the chest and abdomen and severe intestinal irritation.
Wait, maybe not. That's a rather disgusting ailment actually. Uhh. I'm thanking God right now I took Johnny's clothes back before he caught typhoid. I think situations like these is how suicide was invented. So, anyway, I'm at this Fort now.
I'll choose not to try to ford another river and head for the next fort in question.
Johnny's pretty much been inadvertently emptying his lower intestine for the last 49 straight days and Danny is complaining of exhaustion? Dan, you lazy bastard.
What have you done at all on this trip?
Man up, man! Exhaustion isn't a real life-threatening disease. You're being a wimp.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Now that's a real life-threatening disease.
I know there might not be a lot of time left to tell you this Sarah, but if I could turn back the hands of time and travel back to before we embarked on this epic journey, I ... probably still wouldn't have bought you any clothes to wear.
Anyway, quit being sick.
We need to divert our full attention here to Daniel who is suffering from minor fatigue.
Holy crap.
I totally didn't expect that to happen.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Although I'm still super happy you aren't clothed.
Wait. How are you still alive? Seriously.
Oh yeah. That's better.
Hey! what the? Man, God must have been pissed off with you, you didn't even suffer anything before dying. At least you didn't have two cases of measles brought upon by bad water and typhoid (possibly by wild fruit) and went the same tragic (and horribly revolting) way Johnny did.
So, I guess God doesn't hate you at all Kayla.
If anything - God hates you Johnny.
And apparently a lot.
Please don't Google that disease. Please.
Trust me, normally I'd write out some fantastic 904 page eulogy highlighting how that was single-handedly the greatest loss in the world, but after the dysentery incident I'll just chalk it up to a major relief - unfortunately in more literal ways than one.
WHY WAS I NOT AWARE DONKEY BASKETBALL EXISTED BEFORE TODAY??!
-
What do you remember from grade six? Was it the teachers? Friends? Any extracurricular after school activities? How we were the era to pretty much watch birth be given to the internet? Saturday morning cartoons? How about how we were always asked to use that one specific brand of pencil come test time, although I'm willing to bet none of us actually knew the difference between a #2 HB pencil and a HB #2 ½?
What about how the playground seemed to hold all the answers?
You know, I never understood how that came to be myself. It was so amazingly accurate considering it was over run by 8 year olds that thought girls were gross, yet eating handfuls of sand to avoid kissing one was perfectly humane. I swear I knew about Tupac's shooting when I was 3 years old. My dad took me to the park after school, and I overheard two kids talking about it once. True story.
Perhaps if you worked around then, this FANTASTIC Wendy's restaurant training video? (At least, 1:57 - 3:53 is absolutely fantastic.)
I know, but don't knock it. It's effective stuff. I've never worked at a Wendy's restaurant but I'm pretty confident after watching that video I could grill up a mean-ass burger.
Maybe you've forgotten a lot from then, but one thing EVERYONE remembers:
Oh, sweet nostalgic memories are just flooding back here.
This was the game when you finished a test early (before of course realizing you had used the wrong grade of HB and should have gone with the #2 ½ so they failed you on the spot and were forced to repeat the fifth grade, for the sixth time) you'd head back in the back or computer lab to play. During rained out recess'? Oh you better believe it, you'd play it. I don't think there was any competition for girls or boys. Every opportunity and spare time anyone had in sixth grade they would be playing it.
I thought I'd make a run through this afternoon.
Danny, Kayla, Sarah, Johnny, saddle up and let's go!
Wait. Why is that kid holding a gun? Wait. Why is the baby steering?
WAIT. WHAT THE HELLS WRONG WITH THAT OTHER KID'S FACE?!
I THINK IT'S RELATED TO THE FIRST KID HOLDING THAT GUN.
Ah, who cares.
I don't know if anyone remembers, but the first thing you're asked to do is stock up on clothes, ammunition, food, spare wagon parts and oxen. You can be a banker, farmer or carpenter. I decided to be a banker. I like money, and let's look at the statistics here people - out of everyone you've ever watched playing this have you ever seen someone make it to the end successfully as a farmer? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Anyway, off to Matt's General Store!
Hmm. 2 sets of clothing for each person huh?
Sorry Kayla and Sarah. In life, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.
200 lbs of food for each person? Hmm.
Sorry Kayla and Sarah. In life, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.
The first stop is Kansas River, and then the Big Blue river. I don't know why you're asked to cross so many damn rivers in this game. You'd think there would be an easier way to finish it than taking detours though all these rivers without any kind of flotation devices or buoyancy structures. No wonder why the mortality rate was through the roof.
2 sets of clothing? damn.
I guess I'll do the noble thing and give up my clothes to the other men who are cold (and hope secretly scandalous threesomes ensue between the girls and I). I mean, I don't have anything to hide. Johnny - as mentally scarred as you may be right now thank the fuck out of me later. I'm sure all everyone would do is point and laugh at you.
On to Big Blue!
3 sets of clothing? FOR CHRIST SAKE. GIVE ME MY CLOTHES BACK JOHNNY.
And are oxen allergic to water or something?
I can honestly say ALL 1400 of those bullets look mighty tempting right now.
At least I'm warm.
I suppose I should hunt for the others though, considering I just lost over 80% of the food I bought in the river. Actually, I lost 95% of my clothes, 60% of my Oxen and 80% of my food. Whatever happened to those petty thieves in this game who stole a wagon wheel from you during the middle of the night? Or those raging wagon fires would would claim a whole 9 bullets in destruction? Oh, no, not with Dave. Way to target all my vital spots God. OH WELL. Hunting time it is I suppose.
Wait. So, how's that work? I shot a rabbit, a deer and a buffalo. Deers on average weigh 80 lbs or so, and rabbits, perhaps 5, and Buffalo I'm assuming fills out the other 815.
I can only carry back 100. So, if we do the basic mental math and assume I took the deer carcass back with me to make up a large portion of the previously mentioned 100 lbs of meat - it means one of these animals became seriously disfigured here to make up the other 20 lbs as the rabbit sure as hell doesn't weigh that much. Did I like rip the buffalo's testicles off or something? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EATING TONIGHT?
Bahaha.
Even sweeter. Though the description leaves too much to the imagination - such as how it was obtained, and just where did we find it? What kind of wild fruit was it? Was it wild in that delicious mango exotic sense, or wild in the oozing poison sense?
Maybe oozing poison sense seeing that now..
Still. Sweet.
typhoid fever n.
an infectious bacterial fever with an eruption of red spots on the chest and abdomen and severe intestinal irritation.
Wait, maybe not. That's a rather disgusting ailment actually. Uhh. I'm thanking God right now I took Johnny's clothes back before he caught typhoid. I think situations like these is how suicide was invented. So, anyway, I'm at this Fort now.
I'll choose not to try to ford another river and head for the next fort in question.
Johnny's pretty much been inadvertently emptying his lower intestine for the last 49 straight days and Danny is complaining of exhaustion? Dan, you lazy bastard.
What have you done at all on this trip?
Man up, man! Exhaustion isn't a real life-threatening disease. You're being a wimp.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Now that's a real life-threatening disease.
I know there might not be a lot of time left to tell you this Sarah, but if I could turn back the hands of time and travel back to before we embarked on this epic journey, I ... probably still wouldn't have bought you any clothes to wear.
Anyway, quit being sick.
We need to divert our full attention here to Daniel who is suffering from minor fatigue.
Holy crap.
I totally didn't expect that to happen.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Although I'm still super happy you aren't clothed.
Wait. How are you still alive? Seriously.
Oh yeah. That's better.
Hey! what the? Man, God must have been pissed off with you, you didn't even suffer anything before dying. At least you didn't have two cases of measles brought upon by bad water and typhoid (possibly by wild fruit) and went the same tragic (and horribly revolting) way Johnny did.
So, I guess God doesn't hate you at all Kayla.
If anything - God hates you Johnny.
And apparently a lot.
Please don't Google that disease. Please.
Trust me, normally I'd write out some fantastic 904 page eulogy highlighting how that was single-handedly the greatest loss in the world, but after the dysentery incident I'll just chalk it up to a major relief - unfortunately in more literal ways than one.
Comments
NO FOOD
thats probably how you died too..
so much for your theory about girls being able to live of barely nothing ;D