#90 [random] So, I was looking at that Rotten Tomatoes site earlier..

Random thought:

I'd eat a deep-fried [any cute animal here] if they made all food commercials this great:



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Curious to see what everyone there was still rating the Dark Knight as the movie has (rightfully!) fallen from the IMDB as the #1 greatest movie of all time. I mean. I enjoyed it, yeah, but it fails to compare in my eyes against the old number one/two ranked movies: The Godfather and Shawshank Redemption and it certainly isn't the best movie ever made. On RT (does anyone else find it extremely annoying when people, a) watch one movie and think they're in show business but b) abbreviate every movie title and show thereon after?) The Dark Knight is still holding strong -- 94% "fresh" (good) and only 6% disliking it. Is that site also populated by obsessive fan boys (filming their own joker impressions) who are only rating it 10 to cancel out the the negative reviews of people who didn't enjoy it for constructive reasons? It doesn't seem like it:



Either or! Reading over some of these reviews made me think wow. I could even write better film reviews, and I'm the person who recently voted that Flintstones movie starring John Goodman & Rosie O'Donnell was actually good. Everyone in the world has already seen Batman though.. and my first choice of obscure movie I CAN'T SEEM TO BUY OR DOWNLOAD anywhere ("Memories of Tomorrow") for the life of me. It's apparently a story about how Alzheimer's disease completely turns a successful business man's life upside down. I think it won all kinds of awards; however, I decided to go with something else. The movie I decided to pick to review probably isn't as cultural or as strong in message as Memories of Tomorrow is/would be.. but ever since stumbling upon the title a few years ago I knew it'd be one of those cult favorites probably not everyone in the world will have heard about. I left trusty bit torrent on while I was out today and..



Alright, so I know it sounds bad already word has it on the street this is a pretty fantastic movie not really but by the title alone it can't be THAT bad right? I'm just hoping all the people on the IMDB website are telling the truth when they're claiming on the message boards it isn't actually gay African American porn. Oh, God I hope it isn't due to the fact one of the main characters names is ArmInAss. Apparently instead it's a movie about how men are oppressed by women and are taken away by aliens to form an entirely homosexual society. It's also apparently full of racism, sexism (against women) and overall carries a message that if women didn't exist men would be much happier living together on this planet -- all opinions I don't necessarily agree with but as long as the aforementioned again doesn't contain gay/heavy male on male scenes -- all opinions I'd be willing to change my mind over and embrace with very, very open arms.

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HEARD ME. FUCK YOU GIRLS.
FUCK YOU ALL.
AND FUCK YOU JAMAICA.
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.

The movie starts off with a picture of Carlsberg beer, with a caption saying "Probably the best beer in the world." I can tell this is going to be a classy flick already. The introduction is pretty much out of any kind of space movie -- we're told about the crew in a Startrek like fashion and the deep rooted histories which have preceded each of them. Capt. B. Dick pilots the spaceship they're on. Hyperspace is a bit of a change for ol' B.Dick as he originates from the planet Anus. We're also introduced to ArmInAss who unfortunately has a better character name than his real life name - Coco, he's a recent graduate of gay agent school for those interested in his career & past. We're then introduced to Sgt. Shaved Balls and a little later, Mr. Schwul who is a German technician -- which is probably German for something disgusting seeing how his name seems to be the only normal one within the crew. Dr. D. Ildo also joins them on this escapade - an extremely intelligent scientist who specializes in.. biology. Hey, wait.I thought this was supposed to be a male empowering film? Under B. Dicks command and his various crew with masculine names highlighting their manhood except maybe Mr. ArmInAss they're all united with one goal in mind: eradicate the temptations and allure of women and create a new populous; a new world order, *a whole new world.. one without women.

*I loved that song from Aladdin.

Anyway, here's the plot in about 30 seconds:



EXCELLENT USE OF HYPERBOLES THERE GUYS. REITERATING IT'S A PLANET FOUR TIMES DEFINITELY MAKES IT A PLANET. FORGET WHAT THE SONAR SAYS. And despite just being just a simple ship technician with a possibly suspiciously female empowering name, Mr. Schwul seems to possess the amazing talents of mild teleportation when asked to check the mental analysis machine. The irregular planet which two seconds ago they had no idea was even a planet has now mysteriously been identified, perhaps due to Mr. Schwuls limb teleportation; as planet "Earth".

"Earth" seems to have a problem with it...
At least this part of the movie makes sense, kind of.



Wait. Is Dr. D. Ildo the world renown biology scientist drunk? I don't really blame him, if I starred in this movie one of the perks of the contract would be they'd have to permanently hook up vodka into my veins through an IV so I could forget what I was doing at all times. And after we finished filming the movie - they'd have to permanently hook up vodka into my veins through an IV in hopes that I would die. They decide though they need to send one of their own down to interact with.. the females.



Wasn't that speech weird..?

I'm pretty sure my brother gave the exact same speech at his graduation.



INITIATE DOWNBEAMING! Seriously that is the best downbeam stance ever. I wish I could walk like that all the time. It's time to kick the ass of male oppression which has plagued Earth long before planet Anus was formed within our solar system. I'm tired of being a man who has no power in this world. REEK HAVOC! REEK VENGEANCE! GO GET 'EM DR. D. ILDO! or whoever you are I forgot already maybe Sgt. Shaved balls.

Show those girls through horrible sound editing who's boss!

I don't exactly know what happens next ... I think that female was caught because there's this sequence where they run around and flip all these switches and prepare to interrogate her or something, but then it just cuts out and they deploy Mr. Schwul in the middle of a deserted Russian field to carry out the genocide of approximately 4,300,924 girls.

He kills.. two.



At which that point the farmers, husbands or something rejoice. Just like in real life if someone took a powerful phaser to your loved ones material existence.

This definitely ranks up there with this summers mega blockbuster The Dark Knight.

So move over Dark Knight!

I know I'll be buying a copy of this on DVD this Christmas as well.